AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |
Back to Blog
Dan and allison raskin9/25/2023 What happened to me had a permanent impact. Instead, I think my mind and my body have made the decision to not let my past dictate my future, which is different than ignoring or forgetting my past completely. Did I somehow “get over” the trauma of my ex walking out on me with no warning and little explanation? Is it as though that part of my life never happened, and I get to be born anew as a virgin bride? I don’t think so. My reaction to this time in my life has made me wonder if I am fully healed from what happened before. I wonder when painful thoughts like “You should really hedge your bets here” and “This is going to be extra embarrassing if this one doesn’t work out too” are going to emerge.” But so far…all that has come up is a strong desire to stare at my ring all day. I keep waiting for doubt and fear to take over. I have had long discussions about wedding planning with friends and I have officially started making engagement content on my social media. In a surprising turn of events, none of that has been true! From the moment John proposed I have been filled with a rush of joy and excitement. I also thought that being engaged again would bring up my abandonment fears and I wouldn’t feel safe until I was actually married. I thought engagements and wedding planning were going to be permanently tainted for me. Of course, they would be thrilled if I found love again! But (not so) secretly, I worried. Each time I repeated this joke (and make a TikTok about it), people would assure me I was being silly. I figured they would all be skeptical and wait to see if I actually made it to the wedding before getting excited. One of my favorite jokes to make in the aftermath of my abandonment was that if I ever got engaged again no one in my life would care. But the experience hasn’t been what I expected at all. (Thank goodness for the multiple videos.) After my previous engagement ended in heartbreak, I thought getting engaged again would be complicated. I was completely shocked and fully lost myself in the moment, which is rather rare for someone with an anxiety disorder. My *fiancé* proposed to me on October 14th and, even though I knew it was imminent, I had NO idea he had planned to do it in front of my closest friends at a private room in one of our favorite restaurants. If you live anywhere in the Los Angeles area or follow me on social media, you probably know I got engaged because I’ve been screaming about it from the rooftops.
0 Comments
Read More
Leave a Reply. |